College Kids: Home for the Holidays

Don't recognize your own child?
Here's what to do.

For some parents of college-age kids, holidays and other school breaks may seem less than joyful.

For example, the first time Eric came home to see his family during semester break from college, the once clean-cut kid was sporting slightly shaggy hair and an earring in his left ear. Unlike his former self, he also ate his parents out of house and home, seemed oblivious to helping around the house, and transformed his once-neat bedroom into a replica of his disheveled dorm room.

His parents felt as if they were living with a total stranger. While they had looked forward to his homecoming, their barely suppressed anger at his behavior began to get in the way of reestablishing a constructive relationship.

They finally sat down together, talked things through, and resolved the problem. If they had had more realistic expectations about what Eric would be like after spending some time learning to live on his own, the problems wouldn't have upended them quite so much, if at all.

Behavior of this sort is simply an expression of new-found independence and individuality. Although the youngster may appear inconsiderate, irresponsible, even rebellious, that isn't the intention. In the past, parents were there to establish and enforce expectations on a daily basis. Lacking that structure, the youngster's habits are likely to change.

Based on experiences of numerous parents of college-age kids, the following pages describe several problems typical of homecomings of this sort, and give suggestions for dealing with them.