Kids temporarily reentering the family after months of independence may bring home a new set of habits, even a radically different lifestyle. Here's how to minimize conflict and renew your relationship.
For some parents of college-age kids, holidays and other school breaks may seem less than joyful.
For example, the first time Eric came home to see his family during semester break from college, the once clean-cut kid was sporting slightly shaggy hair and an earring in his left ear. Unlike his former self, he also ate his parents out of house and home, seemed oblivious to helping around the house, and transformed his once-neat bedroom into a replica of his disheveled dorm room.
His parents felt as if they were living with a total stranger. While they had looked forward to his homecoming, their barely suppressed anger at his behavior began to get in the way of reestablishing a constructive relationship.
They finally sat down together, talked things through, and resolved the problem. If they had had more realistic expectations about what Eric would be like after spending some time learning to live on his own, the problems wouldn't have upended them quite so much, if at all.
Behavior of this sort is simply an expression of new-found independence and individuality. Although the youngster may appear inconsiderate, irresponsible, even rebellious, that isn't the intention. In the past, parents were there to establish and enforce expectations on a daily basis. Lacking that structure, the youngster's habits are likely to change.
Based on experiences of numerous parents of college-age kids, the following pages describe several problems typical of homecomings of this sort, and give suggestions for dealing with them.
Problem: The child often resists attending family functions and the like.
Solution: The basic issue here, from your college kid's point of view, is "Who controls my life?"
A power struggle won't accomplish anything, so you might say, "Over the next few weeks, we've planned these family events (offer a list). Let us know which of those you want to attend and which you'd rather not." If there are logistical deadlines, let her know. This expression of respect will go much further than simply expecting her to "come around" or nagging her to attend "because you want her to."
It may seem strange to you that your child would travel a long way from college just to stay at home and not be with family, but it may be an important way of expressing her independence as well as testing out the boundaries of her ongoing relationship with you.
Problem: The child returns home flaunting a radical new lifestyle.
Solution: Be tolerant and accepting. Remember that lifestyle experiments are part of the college experience of breaking away and finding an independent identity.
When your child arrives with a tattoo, pierced lip, a surly demeanor, a shocking companion, or all of the above, just say hi and welcome him as usual and be as polite as possible to his guests. (Be sure to clarify that you expect guests to follow your household's basic rules as well.) Comments about differences in your child's appearance are probably expected, but try not to act shocked or upset. Sooner or later, your child will decide what is right for him. By that time, even if some of those changes are permanent, you'll have had a chance to get used to the idea and to reflect on what's really important: respect and unconditional love.