Understanding Cliques

Like many parents trying to make sense of their children's mysterious social world, Gina Kurban isn't exactly sure what went wrong for her daughter at school. She does know her daughter went from happy to distraught, from feeling included by classmates to feeling excluded. Suddenly, what once looked like a good group of friends had become a clique -- an exclusive group of "cool kids" using their power, popularity, and status to put others down. And now, Gina's daughter was the target of their manipulative games.

"It really brought up my own memories of what it was like to not be included," says Gina, who lives in suburban Boston. "It's very difficult to see your child in pain and not know how to fix it." Especially when children aren't forthcoming about details. Gina's daughter wouldn't tell her what was going on, and the more Gina pushed for details, the more her daughter retreated.

In its purest definition, a clique is any tightly knit group of friends. But for generations of students, the term has taken on a distinctly negative connotation, denoting any social group where those inside the circle cultivate an air of privilege and exclusivity, and who make themselves feel good by making those outside the circle feel ostracized and unworthy.

Typical targets are kids who may feel socially awkward, who harbor doubts about their appearance and personality, and who may have an underdeveloped sense of confidence and self-esteem. In other words, targets are the vast majority of kids, especially as they approach the tumultuous teen years.

Once considered a phenomenon primarily among high school girls, cliques today crop up as early as elementary school, posing challenges for children and their parents. Cliques may be forming sooner, in part, because today's young children spend more time at childcare facilities or participating in extracurricular activities, says Peter Adler, a University of Denver sociologist who coauthored a 10-year study of third through sixth graders.

"Forming such groups or belonging to them has become even more important now because children are spending as much time, if not more, with their peers than with their parents," he says. A clique can be more important than family, as kids struggle to find a place where they are accepted. Complicating matters is the fact that children also tend to form groups in which membership is determined by status symbols: hairstyle, clothes, personal accessories, and more, based on the deluge of pop culture images and ads pitching "cool" products to kids.

"And parents buy into it," says Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence (Three Rivers, 2003). "Mom and Dad remember what it felt like when they weren't allowed to buy the clothes and shoes that the popular kids wore. Now they feel like they're failing kids if they don't get them the hottest jeans. But they're not."