Understanding why your kids argue
can help you help them get along.

What's the Real Problem?

Twelve-year-old Jake and his 7-year-old sister Emily were fighting so much that their parents sought the help of a child psychologist. The frustrated father is a minister who counsels adults for a living. The mother was totally confused: "How could a 12-year-old possibly be jealous of a 7-year-old?" she wondered aloud during one session.

After several sessions with Dr. Peter Goldenthal, a Pennsylvania family psychologist and author of Beyond Sibling Rivalry (Owl Books, 2000), Jake and Emily's family made a profound discovery. Jake wasn't jealous of his sister -- he was craving the physical affection and attention that Emily gets from Mom and Dad.

Jake wanted a hug -- a hug his dad was unwilling to give to a boy who was rapidly becoming a young adult. A hug was, well, uncomfortable. "My family was never big on that sort of thing," the dad said in a later session.

"Emily was receiving lots of physical affection, while the dad was unable to even put his hand on Jake's shoulder," says Goldenthal. "Jake was hurt by a relationship imbalance. He was doing his best to achieve, wanting to please his father. But his father wasn't doing an equal amount to build Jake up."

Believing that the source of sibling rivalry problems doesn't rest solely with the child, Goldenthal says you have to look at the entire family. Often something is out of balance in other parts of the family, usually with the relationship of the child and one or both parents.

Unfair treatment from parents, or at least the perception of it, is one of the triggers of one sibling's anger toward another. Goldenthal recommends parents pay particularly close attention to the fairness issue. "The more tuned in you are to the balance of fairness in your children's lives, the more you can do to reduce anger and family conflict, and the more you can do to prevent its occurrence in the first place," he writes.

To head off sibling friction, Goldenthal has these suggestions for parents:

• Look for each child's unique abilities.
• Acknowledge children's talents.
• Celebrate the differences in each of your kids.
• Be enthusiastic about the activities kids are enthusiastic about.
• Acknowledge your children's accomplishments without comparing kids to each other.
• Try to look at situations from your child's point of view.

The following list can help you determine whether a child is being harmed by sibling quarrels, or even whether the cause might have nothing to do with the family.

• When your children complain that something isn't fair, listen to determine if they have a legitimate complaint.
• Unprovoked aggression, especially if it occurs shortly after the end of the school day, often reflects frustration about what happened in school.
• You should be concerned if a child avoids activities that involve competition or if she suddenly drops an activity in which she previously had a lot of interest.
• If your child has very little energy, loses interest in doing things that he previously enjoyed, or is often tearful and sad, be sure to take these signs seriously. They often mean that your child is feeling he can't do anything you value or appreciate.