Conflicting Rules

There's a certain animated program on public television that Janea Weber doesn't let her 2-year-old daughter, Abby, watch. Educational merits of the program aside, Janea feels the characters act a little too sarcastic and unkind toward each other -- behaviors she doesn't want her daughter imitating. Naturally, she was surprised when, out of the blue, Abby started chatting about the lead character in that very program as if he were her best buddy.

"She's not going to be scarred for life by seeing the show, but I'd just prefer that she not watch it," says Janea, who discovered that Abby had seen the show at a friend's house. "Should I just tell my friend that?" she wonders. Raising the issue feels awkward, Janea says. "It's hard when it's a friend, and you have different rules," she says. "It's like your values clash."

When it comes to child rearing, parents hold widely varying beliefs about what's appropriate. Yet when one parent's rules conflict with another's, it can ignite unspoken doubts or fears of judgment. It's all too easy for even the most confident mom to ask herself, "Does she think I'm a bad parent?" or "Am I too uptight?" The situation feels especially uncomfortable when it happens with close friends and relatives.

"I've encountered this personally many times," says Melanie Killen, professor of human development and associate director of the Center for Children, Relationships, and Culture at the University of Maryland. Like any other mom, Killen has a few specialized rules of her own. For example, she doesn't allow her 4-year-old son and 10-year-old daughter to drink soda pop, even at birthday parties. "Sometimes I've had to put up with my kids crying and yelling about it, and it's embarrassing," Killen says. "I don't want to be the 'evil mom,' but this is what I feel is best for my child."

And like any belief where a child's upbringing is concerned, parents should never feel that they have to apologize for their rules or scuttle them to fit in, says child psychologist Lawrence Shapiro, author of The Secret Language of Children (Sourcebooks, 2003). But that can lead to sticky situations. Here are some ways to deal with them.